rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
