It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
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