I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
