my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
