When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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