You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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