Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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