problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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