I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize