I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
