that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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