i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We are two peas in an std pod
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
