His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
