You just made me feel so damn special
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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