she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
