I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
