the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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