Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Can you bring me the toilet please
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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