He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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