Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
