what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
