she woke up with a sticky ear
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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