Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
