Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize