he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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