remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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