Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize