Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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