So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
