Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize
