he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
