When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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