Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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