what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
