home. puking in laundry basket.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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