sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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