she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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