Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
