I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
