I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Floor bacon is actually really good
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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