There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
