update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
