so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
