i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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