My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Randomize
