Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
