My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
