I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
