i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
