'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
