I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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