He asked to "fluff my boner.."
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
