i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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