Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
