are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
