I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I think my fart just growled at me.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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