My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
