Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
